It’s funny that the more I’m out, the more I can’t decide if I’m spiteful and jealous or if I can just immediately tell when I’m in a place where no one is on the same wavelength as me. I worry that no one can hang sometimes.
Im so torn so often between thinking I matter, not giving a fuck that I dont, and some mix in between where I feel I could wander through lives making little differences and going completely unnoticed. I dont like to stay long anywhere. And I don’t know if that’s because I don’t want to commit or I don’t want to deal with nothing mattering much to anyone but me. Even when it doesn’t.
I don’t understand how I keep ending up in Las Vegas with people who don’t like to do anything. It looks like I’ll be spending another weekend adventuring into the wild wilderness of the world obliterated and alone.
tossing and
turning
tearing
im starting to feel sick again
shifting in my seat
Bleargh.
ugh. What I wouldn’t give to use my mouth for something other than drinking.
1 month ago - 
1
1 life is such a hysterical mess.
conversations spun
with little other
than self awareness and the good sense
to not brag or boast
seem to have a way into my life.
without these golden moments
days of laying awake
lying to myself
listening to the bastards
rolling in their falsity and phoned in dreams
what
are you
doing?
self reflection occurs every 12 seconds
or every time she passes by
mirrors and window panes of glass
her reflections stay the same
and it disgusts me every time
does she see the same thing as everyone else
god i hope not
i fear the face who is there to see the fall
from generosity of self affliction.
gross atrocities.
the shell i have survived in has done me well
thus far.
the shell i have built from the inside out
on mistakes and integrity
scars and truths
and understanding.
misrepresentation is a character flaw.
Painted one of my inner demons for my roommate.
I’m working on my posture
in all senses.
